When Gaslighting Wears a Smile: The Emotional Cost of Performing in a Place That Pretends to Honor You

Olamina Speaks is a living blog series rooted in sacred witnessing.
It’s not just storytelling — it’s seed planting.
These entries are not performance. They’re portals.

I am telling the truth — not for revenge, but for resonance.

This is a sacred reflection on gaslighting, clarity, and emotional exit.

Gaslighting doesn’t always scream.

Sometimes it whispers with a smile.

It shows up in carefully worded emails.
In a new policy masked as “best practice.”
In someone pretending to be confused by a plan.

That’s what I lived through.
A workplace that praised my brilliance publicly and then quietly tried to clip it.
Where clarity was met with control and containment.
Where excellence was handled like a threat.

They asked me to reschedule a sacred opportunity.

To come in and move tables.

The co-worker said it with an attitude. Clearly disturbed by my boundary. The manger then followed up the next day and said it kindly.
But kindness isn't the same as care.

I had already communicated clearly.
I had offered support, confirmed coverage for the task, made the moves.

Still — someone needed to feel in charge.
Still — I was asked to contort.
Still —  they bristled at my boundary, as if my “no” was an act of rebellion instead of self-respect.

This wasn’t about chairs.
It was about control.
About their discomfort with a Black woman who knew her worth.
About the quiet offense they took when I refused to shrink on cue.

Gaslighting by another name.

What I’ve come to understand is that gaslighting, in polished spaces, rarely calls itself by name.
It wears professionalism.
It speaks in indirect tones.
It buries its intent beneath “teamwork,” “tone,” and “perception.”

But I felt it in my body.
In my nervous system.
In the tightening of my chest when the boss’s boss positioned herself directly behind me.

That moment wasn’t about support.
It was surveillance wrapped in strategy.
It was control cloaked in collegial presence.

And it wasn’t isolated.
It echoed in the subtle corrections of my voice, humor, and presence through policy.
Even overtly inturrupting me when I was standing at the front of the room—leading a training on increasing permanency outcomes for undervalued youth—
there was still an unspoken expectation that I would shrink.
Not because I lacked brilliance.
But because mine disrupted theirs.

They weren’t confused.
They were uncomfortable.
Because I carried too much clarity in a space that had already decided I was too much.

This job was always too small.
And they knew it.

That’s why they needed me to downplay my knowing—
to dim my leadership so their authority could remain intact.

Every time I was questioned, micromanaged, translated, or dismissed,
a voice inside me whispered, with increasing certainty:

You don’t belong here.
You never did.

The Emotional Toll They Never Calculate

I was celebrated publicly as an expert on advocating for undervalued youth in systems—asked to present nationally, to lead international webinars, to represent the mission—while internally, they policed my presence, contained my contributions, and made it clear my brilliance was only welcome when it served their image, not their integrity.

That’s the trick of it.
They don’t break you loudly.
They invite you to betray yourself softly.

To bend, contort, be grateful, and perform. 

And when you finally say “no more,”
they pretend they never asked.

The Bloom (The Declaration)

I will no longer perform clarity for people committed to confusion.
I will no longer explain my excellence to those invested in my erosion.
I will no longer shrink for a seat at a table I was born to rebuild.

I’m not moving chairs.
I’m moving systems.
I’m reclaiming my sacred time.

So tell me…

Where in your life are you being asked to dim, delay, or defend your brilliance?
And what would it feel like to work in a space that trusts your leadership without question?

🕊 Have you experienced polished gaslighting wrapped in professionalism?
🌱 Have you ever been praised in public and undermined in private?

Tell your truth in The Garden → request an invitation

Let this be your soft no. Your bold remembering. Your sacred exit.

#OlaminaSpeaks #BloomDontShrink #WorkplaceGaslighting #BlackWomenLead #EmotionalLiberation #SacredLeadership #TransmissionInRealTime